Do you remember the very first "Anaconda"? Sure, it was cheesy and pure mindless entertainment, but it had an excellent cast (Jennifer Lopez, Jon Voight, Owen Wilson, Ice Cube, Eric Stoltz, Jonathan Hyde) and was very fun to watch. The scene where the snake spits out Jon Voight and his half digested body winks at Jennifer Lopez is one of the most memorable scenes from any film, whether it be about a sinking ship or a mutant anaconda. So why would they want to make a sequel? Well, the original made oodles and oodles of cash and was very popular that year. Therein lies the problem -- that year was 1997. It is now 2004. I think a seven years gap might have some effect on the box office potential of a sequel. Not to mention, this one has been in development hell for a couple years now; I'm not even sure if this is technically considered a sequel to the original anymore.

      In this edition of the anaconda saga, a group of scientists, hired by a pharmaceutical company, travel to the jungles of Borneo to search for a rare flower known as the blood orchid. The blood orchid is very powerful and might hold the secret to granting human beings longer life -- it's kind of like the 'flower of youth'. However, what they discover is that the flower is already in use -- by the monster anacondas that live in the jungle. They use the flower to become super strong and deadly. The group also has to worry about each other, much as they did in the original. Something as powerful as a flower that grants longer life would bring the bastard and/or bitch out in all of us. That is essentially the entire plot of this film, a 'supposed' sequel that seems like it belongs in another year...or maybe doesn't even belong at all.

      First of all...I have to get this out of the way...there are no anacondas in Borneo. So, essentially, the entire plot of this film is total crap. Anacondas are a snake native to the Amazon. To simplify that -- if the Amazon was burnt to a crisp, the anaconda species would be virtually wiped out. There are just no anacondas in Borneo. I really don't know whom to credit this goof to, but it might go down as one of the worst in cinematic history...that is assuming that anyone other than the cast and crew even remember this film exists in a couple of weeks. The odd thing is that, considering the competition this week -- "Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2" -- this film will probably top the box office, unless "Exorcist: The Beginning" can hold fast. I hope it can.

      We've gone from Jennifer Lopez, Jon Voight, Ice Cube, and Owen Wilson to Salli Richardson, Johnny Messner, Morris Chestnut, and Nicholas Gonzalez. This cast is so B-List, Morris Chestnut is the big star of the film. Surely they could have found the money for at least a couple A-List actors...even Rutger Hauer or Dolph Lungren would have been better than this. Hell, I would have gladly paid eight bucks to see Dolph Lungren beat the crap out of an anaconda, even though it cannot possibly be anacondas because there are no anacondas in Borneo. We will just call them 'Borneo snakes'. Anyways, this cast is really, really bad. Their acting is really, really bad. It kind of reminded me of the acting in Uwe Boll's "House of the Dead". Yeah -- that bad.

      "Anacondas" is directed by a man named Dwight H. Little. He has accumulated such an impressive resume thus far -- "Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers", the hideous version of "Phantom of the Opera", "Marked for Death", "Rapid Fire", "Murder At 1600", and the greatest film of all-time, "Free Willy 2: The Adventure Home". It is terrible to think that, with such class act motion pictures under his belt, a film like "Anacondas" could ruin his career. Actually, the biggest question I have is -- why would you take a bad script and a bad cast and give them to an equally bad director? It seems like you would want a good director to try and turn all of the crap into diamonds. That just seems logical to me.

      "Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid" is not worth the price it took to make the ticket, much less the price it takes to purchase one. This is a sequel that should never have been, and I suspect this film will never be thought of again as soon as it leaves theatres and hits video shelves. This should be a lesson to all of those studios out there making hideous sequels. Actually, Sony Pictures is the only one that should be paying attention...along with "Anacondas", they have another sequel opening this weekend..."Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2". This weekend could very well bankrupt Sony Pictures, and they deserve it for having the judgment to make such terrible film.